Flotsam and Jetsom

A news item I read over the weekend told me that “Doctors have proven that exercise helps increase blood flow.” Last week a colorful news item told me that … (And the fruit is singth

A news item I read over the weekend told me that “Doctors have proven that exercise helps increase blood flow.” Last week a colorful news item told me that “vegetables and fruit are good for health”. All very true but I have to question where have these Doctors and News Reporters been over the last century or so? Or is there absolutely nothing else in the great wide world to write about, that they should bring back the headlines of 1863?

It is clear that exercise is good for health as evidenced by the main condition which is often caused by serious deficiencies. Try! Try sitting in your chair and doing nothing for three days. After falling while trying to stand up, write down how you felt. I bet you feel bad. We need to exercise as much as we need food to stay alive and all of this is so obvious I can’t understand why it should even be put in the newspapers at all.

What’s the difference between flotsam and jetsam?

There used to be something delightful in reading the newspaper, in getting up on a Sunday morning and going to the Newsagent to buy the ‘trees’ from the forest on display. Then lure it back home and place it next to a chair where you will stay for the next three hours or so (make sure the large coffee jar is beside you though before settling in for the morning). Sitting there with a wedge of informative articles and exciting world headlines, crossword puzzles and gossip columns, travel sections and business pages (just for some like obituaries) but branches for everyone for a while the morning. Bring the world to your home!

Today’s gossip: Several film actresses have babies and Michael Jackson was caught in a black face mask (he thought it was a good disguise but other people thought he was trying to rob the bank). The business department graciously broke the news that stocks were up again, people were making money bundles and that our oil reserves would last longer than we thought. The headlines for the week were boring as usual and the first page skipped over without a second thought. Other headlines provide fancier readings and half an hour can be spent reading the latest relief efforts in some dark corners and how the Conservative Party has caught their trousers down (again). Crossword puzzles cause a bit of frustration but like many tricks it is doing the crossword puzzle this week – so you have the answers in front of you for emergencies. Obituaries are skipped along with the “singles” column and to the diary.

Diary is one of the most skilled, boldest and most daring in legibility of writing. They must continue to wait by all readers until the last moment, when at last they can no longer contain their tension, they tear the diary with enthusiasm and joy. The diary sections provide sound wisdom and advice, they correct and adjust the faults of the world and they bring entertainment and fun to quite serious former trees!

The sports page is simply skipped as interested fanatics have seen the games and scores on the box the night before and those trying to get interested are confused by the strange language sports journalists use!

It used to be what reading ‘trees’ was like a few years ago but things have changed, the fun seems to have vanished and the newspapers seem to have become an impenetrable forest. Trying to get one home has become a monumental task in itself, the rusty wheel barrow at the bottom of the garden may have had some use after all. Unfortunately even though the quantity has increased the quality has diminished – the once dense teak has become a weeping willow straggle!

Sitting in your Sunday morning chair with a hot coffee jar within easy reach, the first section opens.

“Royal Family….”. You ditched that one along with the travel section, now advising people where NOT to go, rather than gleefully taking you to a possible destination. Business pages (once your favorite) now tell you that the world is on the brink of an ‘irreversible’ recession and that your stocks and stocks are not worth the paper they write on. It also indicates that you will need to be out of work in the next two weeks.

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